I could never find fault in the happiness that comes from living as myself. But if you’ve read my stuff long enough you know that the longer one waits to transition, the greater the emotional toll it will take on others. As my marriage has been “buttoned up” — so to speak — I am left realizing that I have everything I want, but I lost a lot of people who meant a lot to me. While I know I can pick up the phone and ask any of those people for help, the loss of my wife weighs heavy on me these days. We grew apart long before I transitioned, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. That’s the part that’s the most difficult to reconcile. It would have eventually ended regardless of my transition, but feeling so distant from someone that I will always love is a phantom pain that I can’t quite quantify. These days I come home from work and I loathe the silence as much as I relish it. I find my mind wandering to dark places, but none of that is about my transition; I’m just alone with my thoughts wondering if this is as good as it gets.

I know the secret to happiness, but I find my social anxiety along with the current pandemic tend to keep me locked up — not just in a mental prison — but a physical one as well. I imagine this same struggle has gripped many who are tired of staring at the same 4 walls. These are certainly strange times for everyone.